


Change Will Do You Good

by grav_ity



Series: Adversus Luna Ne Loquitor [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-10
Updated: 2009-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grav_ity/pseuds/grav_ity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As she goes deeper into The Order of the Phoenix, Tonks works hard to make sure she doesn't lose herself to her work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Welcome to Part Two of the Adversus Luna Ne Loquitor Trilogy. This is the story of Tonks, and runs alongside Speak of the Wolf
> 
> Thanks to laura_josephsen for the beta and continuity checks.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own, nor profit from, anything in this story.
> 
> Rating: Teen
> 
> Spoilers: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Nymphadora Tonks became an Auror for a lot of reasons. According to her official application paperwork, she had selected the career on the advice of her Head of House. Professor Sprout saw in Tonks a girl whose natural abilities and dedication to hard work would shape her perfectly for the role. Though she didn’t mention it in her letter of reference, she also thought that Tonks’s creative thinking would come in handy once it was no longer directed at breaking school rules.

For her part, Tonks emphasized her abilities as a metamorphmagus and her Hufflepuff character traits. It was those two facts that saw her admittance to the program, where she passed almost all of her classes with little effort. Her aptitude brought her to the attention of several high ranking Ministry Officials. It was her history of rule breaking that brought her to the attention of Alastor Moody.

Moody knew that no one became an Auror because their Head of House suggested it. Everyone had another reason. While Moody acknowledged that this other reason was none of the Ministry’s business, he insisted on full disclosure from those who worked the closest with him. His confidence was absolute: once told a secret, he would reveal it to no one.

Soon after Tonks became Moody’s unofficial protégé, he bought her a firewhiskey and sat her down in an out of the way corner of the Leaky Cauldron to determine her motivations.

“Why’d you really become an Auror?” Subtlety was not one of Moody’s strong points. “And don’t give me any of that dragon dung you fed the Ministry. I expect honest as much as I expect vigilance.”

To her credit, Tonks didn’t blink. This was, in small part, thanks to the Butterbeer she toasted her acceptance with the previous evening in the same pub, in the company of Kingsley Shacklebolt. He’d offered congratulations, warnings and advice, and she was clever enough to pay attention.

There were two reasons Tonks had not told the Ministry. The first was family. So much harm was done by Bellatrix LeStrange, and the Malfoys deserved every piece of not entirely regulated surveillance Moody could set on them. Andromeda Black’s apple may have fallen far from the family tree, but her daughter felt it was her duty to help burn out the rotten core.

The second reason was Sirius Black. Tonks had idolized her cousin as a child, though she rarely saw him. Her father’s Muggle family never quite knew what to make of her, and her mother’s family was completely absent from her life, save for occasional visits from that one brash and laughing cousin who still admitted they existed.

She’d been heartbroken at the news of Sirius’s traitorous deeds. Much of her rule breaking at Hogwarts had centred on her obsession with finding out as much as she could about her cousin and his friends. She’d even gone so far as to break into Dumbledore’s office, hoping for a conversation with the Sorting Hat. The Headmaster had caught her, of course, but he’d waited until she completed her inquiries before he suggested it might be a good idea for her to get back to bed while Filch and Peeves were busy feuding in a classroom on the other side of the Castle.

Moody accepted both answers at face value, and they never spoke of it again. She completed her training with only one small hiccough, and became a full-fledged Auror in her own right.

Her first year was difficult. Moody was at Hogwarts and, for reasons that would only later become apparent, avoided all of her attempts to contact him. She spent much of her time working with Kingsley Shacklebolt. First Minister Fudge even congratulated her on her dedication, as it was her own cousin they hunted. She never told anyone that she did it mostly because she was still looking for answers. She did wonder why a wizard of Kingsley’s prowess would have such a difficult time tracking one man, but she knew that before she could confront him directly, she would have to gather her own evidence and draw some of her own conclusions.

When Voldemort returned, Tonks was in a pub in St. Stephen’s of Westford, watching a Weird Sisters’ concert. She arrived back at her flat to Kingsley’s rather impatient owl, and had gone to meet him at once. He told her of Moody’s imprisonment, Sirius’s innocence, and invited her to into the Order of the Phoenix. She joined at once, of course. As an Auror, she was duty bound to hunt dark wizards, and they didn’t come much darker than You-Know-Who.

The first time Tonks walked into 12 Grimmauld Place, she was not entirely sure what to expect. She had certainly not expected to be shrilly insulted by the portrait of a great-aunt she’d never met, deliberately tripped up by a vindictive house elf and completely ignored by the cousin she’d so admired. But the other members of the Order were amazing: witches and wizards she’d heard of her whole life, each of them accepting her as their equal. And from the head of the table, Albus Dumbledore had winked at her.

Only one member had been absent that first meeting. Tonks had been looking forward to meeting Remus Lupin since Kingsley mentioned he was another member of the Order. She knew of him from Sirius’s old stories and from her own research at Hogwarts, but she was eager to meet the man himself. As the full moon drew closer, she figured he would remain absent.

She was quite surprised, therefore, to find him lingering in the kitchen doorway, as though unsure of his welcome. As usual, her surprise manifested itself in clumsiness. She knocked over the foyer table, which sent a vase flying through the air, which crashed into that wretched portrait, which responded by loudly declaiming her at the top of its voice.

She bore Moody’s complaint with her usual affected nonchalance, and winked at Remus before falling comfortably into conversation with Charlie Weasley. Dinners at Grimmauld Place were always rather forcibly cheery, and this one was no different. At one end of the table sat the Weasley twins, and at the other sat Dumbledore, Sirius and Snape.

Remus was islanded in the middle, engaging neither in the grown-up discussion nor the children’s conspiracy. Tonks had no difficulty moving between both conversations, and she assumed that Remus’s year of teaching at Hogwarts would allow him to do the same. Instead he drifted, looking more and more uncomfortable as the meal progressed. Sirius, seated at the head of the table, made no attempt to draw his friend into the conversation.

Finally, Dumbledore and Snape made their excuses and left for Hogwarts, followed by Kingsley and Moody, whose turn it was for guard duty. Sirius disappeared, but Tonks heard Buckbeak and knew that her cousin was upstairs seeing to the Hippogriff. She bid the Weasleys good night and followed Remus into the hall.

Here in the grey light of the front room, he looked ill indeed. She knew that Wolfsbane potion had that effect, something no potions master had yet been able to correct. The full moon was tomorrow night, so the effects of the potion would be nearly at their worst.

She wondered why he had come tonight, why he had put it off for so long and then chosen this night to appear. She knew he was out of work, the Ministry had seen to that, and she wondered how far his teaching salary from two years ago had stretched.

How different he was from the Remus Lupin she had imagined. The boy in Sirius’s stories had laughed and plotted mischief with his friends. She could not imagine this sad, grey man doing anything like that. And why should he, really, having spent thirteen years to the lie that haunted Sirius Black, only to discover a slightly less depressing truth?

The traits of Gryffindor often manifested in strange ways. Remus Lupin was quieter than most of his house, and understandably more introverted, but he was still trying, and Tonks thought that she had met only a few wizards who were braver. Still, he was clearly in pain, and Tonks thought she might understand a little bit why.

Sirius had been ignoring her ever since his return. She had been so relieved, so happy that all of her doubts and misgivings were proven false. She had been ready to welcome him back with open arms, and he had refused to let her. Instead, he obsessed about Harry Potter and spent hours closeted with a particularly ornery Hippogriff. He cousin’s disconnect upset her. She could only imagine how Remus felt.

So she spoke to him. He was surprisingly easy to talk to, once he got started, and she immediately understood why the other members of the Order had such high opinions of him, though his opinion of himself was far from flattering. He even smiled a few times during the course of their conversation.

After they shook hands, she made her excuses and left to go home. She was on duty the following night, and therefore needed all the sleep she could get. She didn’t fall asleep right away, however. Instead she sat in her small living room, staring out the window at the not quite full moon and thinking.

Too much of what had happened to Remus Lupin was unfair. Life had failed to cut him any sort of break. The few good things which did befall him were tainted with past sadness and quickly brought to end by bigots and small minded wizards who hid their quest for purity behind a thin veil of concern for public safety. Remus Lupin deserved a friend.

Tonks also decided that she was the perfect candidate. She needed friends who weren’t Aurors or Weird Sisters Groupies. Or both. More importantly, she had just enough connection to the past to provide common ground for a start, but not enough that her baggage would get in the way of his.

Her mind made up, Tonks forced as many thoughts as possible out of her head and prepared for bed. Finally, all that stood between her and sleep were a pair of sad, dark eyes and a tiny voice that suggested she might have ulterior motives in actively seeking the friendship of Remus Lupin.


	2. Chapter 2

The Ministry cafeteria seemed especially crowded this week. The elves who worked in the kitchens had taken to randomly selecting themes for decoration and inflicting them on everyone who ate there. This week marked the beginning of the Christmas season, and Tonks rather thought that by the time the actual holiday rolled around, there wouldn’t be any room for the tables, let alone the people who sat at them. Still, as Tonks brushed a mountain of tinsel from a table top to make room for her egg mayonnaise, she was forced to admit she preferred obsessive decoration to the old practice of letting the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts department control mealtime entertainment.

“Wotcher, Tonks!” said a brown haired witch as she took the seat opposite.

Lucinda Banks had been a Ravenclaw in the same year as Tonks at Hogwarts, and she had begun to work with the Department of Tradeable Goods immediately following graduation. If occasionally she acted like the three year head start she had on Tonks made her a better witch, Tonks was inclined to forgive her on account of all the advice on which toilets to avoid Lucy had provided in the first months after Tonks started. It also helped that her aunt was a co-manager of the Weird Sisters and nearly always managed to secure them tickets to the most exclusive shows.

“Hullo, Lucy,” Tonks replied.

On Lucinda’s heels followed the other three witches who made up what Tonks was more and more alarmed to realize was her circle of friends. They were bright and career minded, and they had passable taste in music, but Tonks never could figure out why they liked her so much. Her hopes of a quiet lunch before returning to her desk were dashed.

“Tonks, you will not believe what we’re doing this weekend,” Elsa gushed. “You must come with us. I am sure we can get you in.”

“We meant to talk to you about it yesterday,” Niamh added, “but we couldn’t find you.”

“What’s up then?” Tonks asked, feigning an enthusiasm she did not feel.

“We’re going to a Muggle concert!” Hollie said triumphantly. “Something called ‘Take That’. They are supposed to be terrifically popular.”

“I don’t know.” Tonks hesitated for a moment, wondering what she could possibly tell them that would seem reasonable. “I though I might go up to Hogwarts for the Quidditch.”

Her pronouncement was met with a shocked silence.

“The Quidditch?” asked Niamh, incredulous.

“That Harry Pottered is rumoured to fly well,” said a slightly more sympathetic Elsa, whose mother Chased for the Harpies. The others looked at her in alarm. “For all he’s crazy, I mean, of course.”

“Tonks, what is going on with you?” Hollie asked. “Quidditch at Hogwarts instead of a concert? You’ve been so odd lately.”

“Is it a lad?” Lucy demanded. The other girls all sat forward in sudden anticipation. “You did always get on well with the Weasleys, and now Bill’s back in England…”

“Did you see what he wore the other day?” Elsa cut in. “I thought the Assistant Minister of Goblin Affairs was going to choke!”

The conversation was immediately diverted to the availability of the eldest Weasley brother, speculation as to what alarming thing Bill would next do to his hair, and generalized disparagement of rumoured French witches. Tonks smiled gamely, but couldn’t bring herself to join in completely.

It had become difficult for her to maintain her old persona since joining the Order. In her first year as a full-fledged Auror, she’d built a reputation of being somewhat more easy-going than her associates. Her demeanor was viewed, by outsiders, as an asset. She was a breath of fresh air in a otherwise stodgy, reactionary, paranoid Department. Keeping up that same façade this year was driving her crazy.

Even worse, she found she no longer wished to be that person anymore. She would never be as straight-laced as Kingsley or as crazy as Moody, but her role within the Order and how the other members treated her made her wish to be more than the Department ingénue. The fact of the matter was that she was nearing the end of her tolerance. She couldn’t sit by and discuss Muggle concerts and boys while right at this moment, Voldemort was trying to kill people she cared about.

“Tonks!” Lucinda said, breaking her reverie. “There must be a lad indeed for you to drift away like that!”

Tonks smiled weakly, unwilling to admit how close her friends were stumbling to the truth.

Any further speculation was put to rest when a parchment plane wafted into the cafeteria and came to hover over Tonks’s head. The girls looked at her in surprise. Lunch time was typically not interrupted by memos. Tonks pulled the plane down and unfolded it. She skimmed it quickly, and began to pack away her things.

“It’s just Kinglsey,” she explained.

“Maybe he’s found Sirius Black,” Hollie said carelessly. All the girls giggled, except Lucy, who looked concerned.

“I am sure it’s nothing important,” Tonks said. “He probably didn’t expect me to go to lunch until two.”

She swept the last of her sandwich into the rubbish bin and got up from the table. The conversation had already turned back to the concert, and what wizarding accoutrements they thought they could smuggle in. She found she was completely unreluctant to have an excuse to leave.

++++++

Kingsley Shacklebolt was scratching his nose.

Tonks made sure her facial expression was completely void of the seriousness she’d felt weighing on her at lunch. She schooled her emotions so that she looked carefree; there would even be a matching smile in her eyes. If Shacklebolt was scratching his nose, it meant that someone close to Fudge was in his office. This was no time for her newly discovered identity issues.

She slumped into Kingsley’s office, taking special care to trip over the leg of the chair he waved her towards. She really was getting better at limiting her clumsiness, but the Ministry didn’t need to know that. The other chair was occupied by Dawlish, a wizard Tonks knew well enough to know she didn’t like him, and that the feeling was mutual.

“Ah, Nymphadora,” Dawlish said after she’d finished righting herself in chair. “I’m so glad you could join us. I have – ”

“Mr. Dawlish has some questions for you, Tonks,” Kingsley interrupted. His sonorous voice swallowed up Dawlish’s. “As your supervisor, it is my job to help you answer them.”

“Some questions?” Tonks did not have to feign her surprise. “Is this about – ”

“I doubt it,” Dawlish said pompously. “As you know, it is my job to monitor certain Ministry Employees to ensure their loyalty.”

“I am loyal to the Minstry,” Tonks said without flinching. It was mostly the truth, anyway.

“Of course,” sneered Dawlish.

“Mr. Dawlish has brought to my attention some interesting facts, Tonks.” Tonks may have mastered one line, but she couldn’t match Kingsley’s sheer unflappability. “There may be reason for concern.”

“Am I allowed to know what the problem is, or should I just start packing up my things?” She did give excellent petulant upstart when the situation called for it.

“Now, Nymphadora, there’s no reason to be so dramatic,” Dawlish said. “Mr. Shacklebolt?”

“You have been late to work four times since September,” Kingsley said. “While this is markedly improved from your first year in this Department, it is still cause for concern.”

“Why?” said Tonks, a cold chill creeping across her skin.

“You are tardy on the days following the full moon,” Dawlish pronounced.

Tonks wished she could look at Kingsley for a cue, but knew she might blow both their covers if she did. How could she have been so stupid? Moody was going to kill her. She quickly affected an expression of youthful inexperience.

“What’s so important about that?” she asked.

“Nymphadora, are you aware of the recent amendments to the Werewolf Act?” Dawlish asked.

“Yes, sir.” Tonks made her face stay still and hoped that Dawlish didn’t know how fast her heart was racing.

“So you know it is forbidden for a werewolf to hold a job at the Ministry? Particularly in this Department?”

“Of course!”

“Nymphadora Tonks, are you a werewolf?” There was a nasty gleam in Dawlish’s eye.

“How _dare_ – ” Began Tonks, but he cut her off.

“Then how do you explain your absences?”

“I am _not_ – ”

“That is enough!” Kingsley Shacklebolt never had to shout. “Dawlish, this is the Auror Office. We would recognize if one of our own was a werewolf.”

“I’m merely following protocol and addressing a valid matter of inquiry,” Dawlish protested.

“Consider it addressed,” Kingsley said. “And the next time you accuse one of my Aurors of something so ridiculous, you’d better have more evidence than a few examples of tardiness.”

“Fudge might think well of you, Shacklebolt,” Dawlish said coldly, rising to his feet. “But there are other powerful people within the Ministry, and they do not think so highly of your…associates.”

He swept out of the room. His threat hung in the air, surrounded by a silence so heavy Tonks wilted in her chair. Kingsley merely looked at her. She had never felt so horrible in her entire life.

“Moody wants to see you,” Kingsley said finally.

Tonks said nothing. There was nothing she could say. She’d been careless, and the cost had been a piece of Shacklebolt’s reputation. If they lost Kingsley, the Order was in deep trouble, and now she would have to bear some of the responsibility for it.

She left Kingsley’s office and made her way to the alcove Moody had secured for his use when he returned to “consult” in the Department. He had a number of not entirely legal spells surrounding the room that made eavesdropping nearly impossible. Tonks hoped she still had some of her skin left when he was done flaying her.

The door opened when she knocked and swung shut behind her once she’d entered. Moody was seated, his leg on the table in front of him, and his magical eye whirling ferociously. He fixed her with a glare, and she steeled herself for the worst.

“What is the one thing I demand of my students?” He nearly spat each word at her.

“Constant vigilance,” she replied automatically. Iron will kept her voice from shaking.

“We are in a dangerous position.” Each word was like a sharpened quill. “We must all work as hard as we can to maintain it.”

“Yes, sir.” She thought this might be easier if he would just yell at her.

“And yet,” his eye bulged, and she flinched. “And yet you would compromise everything we’ve worked for on account of some...school-girl crush!”

It couldn’t have been worse if he’d _crucioed_ her. Suddenly everything flared in her at once. It was as if all her conflicting feelings about the girl she’d been and the Auror she wanted to become caught fire in her stomach. She was not that careless student anymore, and she resolved that no one would ever have cause to think of her as such again. Today’s incident would allow her to make a new cover for herself, and this cover would have the benefit of also being the truth.

Moody’s magical eye searched her face. It apparently found what it was looking for, because he looked back at the leg on his desk.

“Get out,” he barked.

She went back to her desk, shoulders square, as if nothing had happened.

But everything had changed.


	3. Chapter 3

Tonks was never entirely comfortable at St. Mungo’s. She went to the wizarding hospital often enough. Most of her witnesses and not a few of her culprits were in need of some sort of care, but familiarity did nothing to ease her anxiety. It didn’t help that this time she was at St. Mungo’s to visit Arthur Weasley. Or that she was with Moody.

Still, she had discovered that they key to surviving 12 Grimmauld Place was to remain as close by to as many Weasleys as possible. They didn’t have too many reasons to be cheery at the moment, but they seemed to lighten the darkest of moods anyway. The effect they had carried over from Grimmauld Place to the wards of St. Mungo’s, leaving a wake of smiles behind them.

Tonks found her gaze drawn to the one occupant of the room who seemed immune to their effect. He lay morosely in his bed and stared at the ceiling. While the other patient’s bedside tables bore the remnants of frequent visitors, his was bare, save for a calendar with a date circled in ominous red. This was the man who held the dubious titla of being the newest werewolf in Britain.

Tonks wondered if his family had turned their backs on him entirely, or if they were only avoiding public association. Neither were particularly pleasant options. She wondered what his job was, and if he would lose it. She wondered if he had children. Mostly, though, she wondered what kind of werewolf he would be when he left St. Mungo’s.

She’d done some reading on the subject before her episode with Dawlish at the Ministry had curtailed spontaneous research. She knew that while the majority werewolf attacks were against children, it was primarily adults who were turned. These freshly minted outcasts typically turned bitter quickly and fell easily into the rough comfort pack mentality provided. At best, they merely became self-destructive. At worst, they became wizard-killers. As strange as it seemed, Remus Lupin was as stable as he was because he had been turned as a child.

There was a sharp moan from a patient down the end of the ward. The sound brought Tonks out of her contemplation with a jolt. She snapped her eyes back to her charges, and found herself met by Molly Weasley’s speculative look. Tonks blinked, somewhat puzzled, but when her eyes cleared, Molly was looking back at her family.

When it was time to go, Moody led the way at a brisk walk. Molly herded her children along, exclaiming loudly when a preoccupied Ron upset a tray of chocolate frogs. The sick wizard whose gift had been overturned was very amused by the flurry of frogs and the attempts to gather them up again. Even Moody’s face bore a small smile. Only one conscious patient was not interested in the scene, barely sparing it a glance.

Tonks pondered his fate all the way back to Headquarters.

+++++

Christmas was usually a strange time in the Tonks household. Even before Lord Voldemort had arisen the first time, Andromeda’s family had removed her from their holiday celebrations. Ted still bore a scar on his left elbow from one of Bellatrix LeStrange’s more cleverly jinxed gifts. Fortunately, Narcissa was content merely to deny their existence, so the years Bellatrix spent in Azkaban were free of unexpected presents. 

When Tonks was little, they used to visit her Muggle family, but as her abilities developed before she learned to control them, this was difficult. Nowadays, Tonks could pass for a Muggle almost as well as her father, but too many years had gone by. During her time at Hogwarts, Tonks had often stayed at the Castle over Christmas, or gone on some sort of holiday trip with her parents. Now that she was working, the three of them traditionally gathered for a quiet dinner and exchange of gifts.

Tonks and her mother sat in the living room, each with a steaming mug, while Ted cleaned up the kitchen. For all Tonks had limited abilities with domestic spells, her father had them in spades. The fire crackled merrily in the hearth, and after so much time spent at 12 Grimmauld Place, Tonks had never been happier for the cozy warmth of home. She was comfortable enough here to have the courage to ask what she knew were some difficult questions.

“Mum,” she said, not looking away from the fire.

“Yes, dear?” Andromeda replied, light concern touching her voice.

“When you met dad,” Tonks began after a moment, “you knew your family would hate him, right?”

Andromeda flinched. They never spoke of this. Tonks felt wretched for asking, but knew in her heart she needed the information.

“Yes,” replied Andromeda, her voice quiet and far away. “Yes, I knew. I knew they’d throw me out and cut me off. But I knew I loved your father.”

“Didn’t you love them?” Tonks almost wished the carpet would come alive and swallow her up.

“When we were girls, Bella used to steal our Muggle neighbour’s pets, burn off all their fur and return them home with bows tied around their necks.” Andromeda’s voice was hard. “Cissy always did as she was told, and would attack anyone who said anything against the family. She didn’t do it because she loved us, though. She did it because mother and father always said that family was the most important thing in her life.

“If I did love them, it was a long time ago,” she continued. “As soon as the Sorting Hat landed on my head, I had a new family.”

Tonks nodded. Her own experiences with the Sorting Hat meant she understood the freedom it could grant. Dumbledore often spoke of love, and of love’s importance. She wondered if he had ever put on the Hat to ask its opinions on the matter.

“Dora,” Andromeda said gently, and Tonks met her mother’s gaze. “I love your father because he can love. And because he helped me pass the NEWT in Arithmancy.”

Tonks smiled in spite of the heaviness that had dogged her the past few weeks.

“As long as you love someone who can love you back, I don’t care if you love a centaur.”

Tonks choked on her drink, but quickly recovered her dignity.

“I’m not in love with a centaur, mum,” she said. She was aware that she had made her mother curious, but she also knew that Andromeda was patient and would wait for details.

Ted Tonks came into the living room, still with his dancing reindeer apron tied around his waist, and set a tray of cookies on the table between his wife and daughter. He then unceremoniously removed Andromeda’s mug from her hand, and before she could protest, whisked her out of the chair. She was laughing now - they all were - and pretended to bat at him with her hands.

“Oi, leave off!” he said merrily, affecting an affronted manner. Then he sat down in her chair and settled her in his lap. He looked at his daughter as if nothing had happened. “So, what news of the Ministry then?”

Tonks shook her head at her parents’ antics, but as she began to tell them the latest Ministry gossip, she found herself longing for the day when she has someone with whom she was so at ease.

+++++

Tonks arrived in the sitting room in time to see the last piece of dust-laden tinsel disappear, vanished at the wave of Remus’s wand. It was late January before it became apparent that Sirius was not going to be as enthusiastic about undecorating the house as he had been to decorate it. Kreacher had taken to disappearing upstairs, one assumed, for long periods of time, and had quite given over even pretending to clean the house. The result was a rather sad mess of tired holiday accoutrements, worn out spell work, and a soggy carpet in the room where Remus had made it snow.

The cold weather had made it difficult for Remus to live in the Forest. In addition, the centaurs were becoming more territorial. For these reasons, and because Hagrid had returned, Remus’s forays into the Forest had become less urgent. He had not taken up residence at 12 Grimmauld Place, but he did spent time there, and he only made it through two days of visitations before embarking on his current mission of cleanliness.

Tonks had come by to leave a message for Molly. The surveillance of the Auror Department, of all Departments, had increased to the point where she could no longer pass messages to Arthur directly. She’d found Remus near the end of his task and offered to make tea. Her domestic spellwork was not good enough for creative cleaning, but she had at least mastered the necessities.

Remus sat down on a dilapidated sofa, and Tonks managed to set the tray down on the low table without spilling anything. She sat down beside him, and couldn’t quite quell the herd of pixies that fluttered in her stomach when the old sofa sagged and shifted them closer together.

She leaned forward, balancing the teapot carefully against the tilt of the couch, and poured two cups.

“ _Wingardium leviosa_!” Remus said, waving two sugar cubes into her cup and one into his own.

“Thanks,” she said, leaning back.

“How are things at work?” She hadn’t told anyone about the confrontation with Dawlish, but the way Remus asked about things to do with the Ministry had seemed more personal, lately, and less about the Department in general.

“They watch us,” she replied. “It’s getting harder to pretend to toe the line.”

“I don’t envy you the double life you’re leading.” Again, she couldn’t tell if he meant all of the others or just her.

The truth was that Tonks’s double life had almost ceased entirely. She rarely left her desk at all during the day. She didn’t even go to the cafeteria to eat. Lucinda had sent her a parchment plane every day for two weeks, and finally come up to the office in person. They hadn’t argued, not quite, but they had definitely stretched their friendship to the breaking point. Tonks considered it one more reason to defeat Voldemort.

It hurt a lot, the life, the friends, she’d given up for the Order. She’d received a letter of commendation from Dawlish at the end of January for her “exemplary new attitude”, and only Moody’s scathing and yet understanding eye roll had prevented her from lighting in on fire on the spot. To the wizards at the Ministry, Tonks seemed to have finally settled in. Her only measure of comfort was that most of them didn’t know the façade she’d settled into, and those who did only thought the better of her for it.

She tried not to think about Remus. Of course, when she was alone with him, drowsy from a day of hard work and a hot tea, and sitting on a sofa that seemed intent on folding in on itself at any moment, not thinking about Remus was a challenge. She realized abruptly that he was waiting for her to say something.

“It’s not so bad,” she finally replied. It was almost the truth anyway.

They finished their tea in silence, and Tonks made her excuses to go. She left him on the sofa in the re-gloomified greyness of 12 Grimmauld Place, finishing his tea and wondering if Sirius would talk to him at all during dinner. She hated to go and leave him to his sadness, but she also knew that she was on duty tonight, and had preparations to make.

As she put on her cloak, carefully so as to avoid waking the portrait, she looked back into the sitting room. Remus still sat on the sofa, absently holding the teacup in one hand. He reached out with the other to touch the cushion where she’d been sitting. A quiet smile crept across his face and his features seemed warm despite the chill in the house.

Tonks felt her cheeks turn pink as she wrapped her cloak around herself and headed out into the twilight.


	4. Chapter 4

Tonks liked St. Mungo’s as a patient even less than she did as a visitor. The food was decidedly bland, the beds were oddly uncomfortable and everyone stared at her all the time.

They stared because she was famous. She had been in the Ministry the night Lord Voldemort returned, and she had fought Death Eaters there. The _Daily Prophet_ was full of articles about almost everyone who had been involved. Harry and Dumbledore were vindicated, Mad-Eye Moody regained a measure of his dignity, and Kingsley became even more of a sensation. Tonks received special attention, however, because of whom she’d been injured by and who had not made it out of the building.

Her most hated aunt had murdered her famous, now forgiven, cousin. Tonks had only the bare bones of memories from the actual fight, but she’d seen the pure madness in Bellatrix’s eyes as they’d dueled. There was an unholy joy in the madwoman’s expression when she’d wounded her niece, and it multiplied tenfold when she’d laid eyes on Sirius dueling side by side with Harry Potter.

Tonks knew, beyond a doubt, that she was alive today because Bellatrix LeStrange thought it would be more fun to kill Sirius Black than some long denied family member. She also had a feeling that her cousin’s death had given Bellatrix a taste for murdering family members she viewed as aberrant.

The worst part of St. Mungo’s was that there was nothing to distract her from those kinds of thoughts. Visiting hours were short, and all her few visitors wished to speak of was the battle. At night, the portraits whispered to one another and Tonks dreamt of being lost in the Forbidden Forest while wolves howled all around her.

Her parents came every day and spoke of anything but current affairs. Kingsley came once or twice to tell her that they needed her as soon as she was ready. Moody avoided St. Mungo’s except on business, so she was not surprised by his absence. And Remus didn’t come.

On the fourth day, when she was finally allowed out of bed for short periods of time, Lucinda came to see her. Tonks was pacing the room when her friend entered, and waved her to the chair beside the bed.

“Is this why you’ve been so strange?” Lucy asked without any preamble. “Because of You-Know-Who?”

“Yes,” said Tonks. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

“It’s horrible, is what it is,” Lucy said. “My parents want me to apply for the liaison position and transfer to Canada!”

“Do you want to run?” Tonks said before she thought about it. She winced.

“Yes!” Lucy exclaimed. “I want to run as fast as I can!”

“Oh.” Tonks had been prepared for any number of reactions to her careless question, but that had not been one of them.

“You’re an Auror, Tonks,” Lucy said. “You’re trained for this. I can barely deflect a bat bogey hex.”

Tonks looked at her, and knew that it was true. Feelings of pity, understanding and, strangely, jealousy, boiled inside her. She envied her friend’s self-awareness.

“I’ll put in a word for you,” Tonks said finally. International transfers required a recommendation from a high profile Department, and Tonks was qualified to give one. “For your transfer, I mean.”

Lucy smiled weakly at her and twisted her hand in her lap.

“Just...when we win, promise me you’ll come back?”

“Of course!” Lucy said. “It’s cold in Canada, and all their Tradeable Goods come from flying reindeer.”

They laughed, and it was almost like old times. Then, Lucy fixed her with an odd look.

“There is a lad, though, isn’t there?” she said. “I know it.”

“Yes.” Tonks smiled, and said it for the first time out loud. “There’s a lad.”

++++++

St. Mungo’s had a sterile sort of smell to it. Nothing had the aroma it ought to. It was almost as though the cleaning spells leeched proper scents along with dirt, leaving everything smelling as though it had forgotten what to be. Tonks took the Muggle Underground home because she liked it. It was alive, in its own fashion, with gusts of wind from passing trains, the hum of the escalators and the sheer mass of London Commuters who rode on it. It smelled a great deal, though Tonks wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to know what of.

Her flat was on a quiet street a few blocks from King’s Cross. Most people took the bus, but Tonks enjoyed the walk. The streets were lined with restaurants and tiny shops. There were Muggles everywhere, and Tonks could lose herself amongst them. Her long purple hair drew few second glances in the crowd. She paused in front of one of her favourite pizza places, remembering that she hadn’t been home in a week, but then recalled that she’d spent the last of her Muggle money on the Underground fare, and would have to come back after she’d been home.

She turned on to her street. It was mostly quiet in the evenings, once the tenants returned from work. Long white tenements lined both sides of the street in a chain broken only by small side alleys that led to the parking spots around back. The monotony of the colour was relieved only by the occasional brightly painted door, but in the dark they all looked black. At the end of the street, looking like the ends of the Earth, was the park, trees shaded by the night. Her flat was on the upper story of the row, about halfway down. The windows all faced the seldom used parking area to the rear, which was just as well for the number of times her attempt at Sunday lunch ended in unexpected fireworks displays.

She unlocked the shared front door with her wand, having lost her key again, and walked up the stairs. Someone had baked a cake, the smell wafting up from the Muggle apartment below to fill the stairwell that served as her front walk. Her door was enchanted with considerable protection spells, but she was so used to them that she disabled her precautions without paying attention.

The smell when she opened her door was wrong.

The air was musty, but not nearly as musty as she had expected given her long absence. It was as though something had stirred it up and then the must had resettled into new places. Tonks stepped into the kitchen, her wand out, but everything looked right. The scent, coppery and thick for all it taunted the very edges of her senses, pulled her forwards.

She went into the den. It was dark here, the drawn curtains blocking the light from outside. Tonks’s tongue felt heavy and dry, but she croaked out the simplest spell she knew.

“ _Lumos_!”

Blue light blossomed on the edge of her wand and spread out to fill the room. She concentrated on the dark blue light and it began to brighten. Her furniture was exactly where she’d left it, not even a tassel out of place. She turned slowly in the centre of the room, her eyes traveling across the hearth and the blue-washed chairs. Her white walls, empty of her posters since her change in cover story, gleamed pale blue.

She turned to face the last wall, where the table stood with her radio on it, underneath the place of honour where her favourite poster used to hang. What she saw now sucked all the air from her newly healed body, from the entire room. Only her training kept her wand her in hand and the room from plunging into sudden darkness.

The letters were so dark in the blue light that they were almost black. She knew that in daylight, they would be red, wet and dripping red against the blankness of the wall. For the first time since before she’d entered Hogwarts, Tonks felt her body change under its own volition. The colour leeched out of her hair, and she could feel it drain from her skin as well. Her long hair retracted, leaving only thin, grey remnants lying limply against her scalp. The skin of her hands chapped and cracked, and she didn’t need a mirror to know that her face was now deeply lined from stress and her eyes ringed with tired circles.

“ _I killed Sirius Black_!”

It took her seconds to read the message and less that that to understand it and react purely on instinct, but it felt like the longest moments of her entire life. The words scrawled on her walls filled up her thoughts, blanking out everything except the voice that screamed “Never drop your wand!”

Without thinking of her destination, or of how dangerous it was, Tonks Disapparated.

++++++

She knew where she was the moment her vision cleared. She had no idea how she managed it, because until she’d appeared on his doorstep, she had no idea where he lived. But she was too distracted to think about anything like that, so she settled for knocking frantically on the door until he let her in.

He was surprised to see her, obviously, and she knew she looked a fright, but that didn’t stop him from putting his arms around her when it finally came crashing in on her. He held her so tightly, so recklessly, that she let herself go and fell to pieces on his sofa. She knew that at any moment, his barriers would go back up, and they would simply be comrades again. Instead, she heard him whisper and was sure she must have misheard.

“You can stay as long as you like.”

She looked up at him, surprised, and saw something entirely unfamiliar flash across his face. And then he was kissing her. She felt a measure of her fear dissipate, finding strength in not being alone. Her hair lengthened and thickened around his hands as he pressed her forward into his kiss. She responded in kind, shifting closer to him, dropping her guard for the first time in what felt like forever.

There was a passion in him that she had not anticipated, running wild but buried deep within him. She felt it surge now, and realized that once it would have frightened her. But tonight she had seen real fear, and knew that nothing from him could possibly match it.

Suddenly, the fire in him was quelled and he pushed her away. She saw the remains of something wolfish driven from his eyes to be replaced by a melancholy doubt. They were both breathing hard, but his barriers were back in place and she felt horrifically exposed.

She could never remember afterwards the words he’d said, only the dispassionate way in which he’d said them. She found herself leaving, abruptly, again with no real destination in mind. He was only too relieved to be rid of her.

She called in enough of her wits to picture her parents’ garden, and then she Disapparated. Her father was gone, and she was grateful to be spared the ordeal of explaining herself to both parents at once. Her mother’s sympathy and shared horror was almost too much for her to bear as she recounted what had happened since she’d left the hospital. Andromeda let her pour out the story without interruption, and when it was over, provided comfort in the place of judgment or platitudes. Finally, after another strong cup of tea, Tonks went to bed in her old room, surrounded by all the things she used to take comfort in.

This time, when she dreamt of being lost in the Forest, there was no sound but the wind.

++++++

Ted Tonks said nothing of his daughter’s presence at breakfast the following morning, and Tonks wondered which details her mother has passed along. As she was adding more sugar to her porridge, a Ministry owl arrived in the kitchen. It was from Kingsley, asking if she felt up to coming in today.

Her mother and father said nothing. She knew that whatever she did, she would have their support.

Tonks sent the owl back without a reply. She would deliver her answer in person. She was an Auror and there were Dark Wizards to be caught.

There was work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **finis**
> 
> AN: And that is how Tonks loses control over her powers. Or so I like to believe, anyway. Remus is a contributing factor, obviously, but not he source.
> 
> Gravity_Not_Included, September 28, 2009


End file.
